you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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