who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
