I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
