I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
