she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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