I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
