i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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