Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Vodka?
Forever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
