I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
