Jerry, you need to find god
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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