when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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