I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
did i walk over a car last night?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
