new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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