Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
