Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
