dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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