so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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