The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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