Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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