I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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