i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
