Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
