I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
