Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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