it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was born a porn star she said
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
