Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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