Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The struggles of a small town man whore
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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