i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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