dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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