They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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