i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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