Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
