i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
