She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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