You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
