I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
