I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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