my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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