you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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