So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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