i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
