I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
