I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
