If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
