eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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