Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
