Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are the jesus of drinking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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