Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
