She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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