i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
