I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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