dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
