I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
