I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
