I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
